Bootybootybooty.
Anonymous asked:
please elaborate on how you got a substitute teacher to quit within one day. I'm genuinely curious.
mamalovebone replied:

all right everyone sit down, shut up and listen closely because I’m about to tell y’all the tale of Ms. Mormino.

Seventh grade is a time most people don’t look back on fondly. I know I sure don’t—I tend to regard that era as nothing more than an unpleasant, acne-filled haze of fall out boy and poor attempts at pseudo-zooey deschanel fashions. But enough about me. Let’s talk about my math teacher. 

Ms. Isom. Poor old Ms. Isom. Well in her 60’s, always plagued with some illness or injury, she was hardly ever even at school. Since many of her absences were the result of short-notice incidents—“falling down the stairs” was popularly cited— it wasn’t all that uncommon to not have a substitute on hand. Being a smartass honors class, we’d gotten away with several successful evasions of administration, walking cavalierly into class  to pass the next 48 minutes doing just about nothing. Hell, for good measure, we’d sometimes even toss in a friendly “hey, Ms. Isom!” if any administrators were anywhere within earshot. So incredibly anti-establishment, you could basically call it another Project Mayhem, except instead of Brad Pitt and Ed Norton concocting homemade bombs, it was a bunch of tweenyboppers with iPhone 3’s and Justin Bieber 2009 haircuts. 

 We got pretty accustomed to our own little self-governing system that rolled around every second period, so we naturally weren’t exactly thrilled when administration caught on to our little Anarchy Act and strictly enforced the presence of a substitute every day. 

Most of our subs weren’t terrible—most were friendly, gave us participation grades, and didn’t object to the independent attitude of our class (which, mind you, only had about ten students in it) 

That is, until Ms. Mormino came along. 

Four feet, ten inches of raw, undiluted evil, Ms. Mormino walked into class with a scowl on her face and a chip on her shoulder. When the girl behind me sneezed, Ms. Mormino’s immediate response was “NO INAPPROPRIATE NOISES!” 

 Although we all suppressed our laughter, we all knew from that moment on that, try as she might with her despotism and her draconian anti-sneeze policy, Ms. Mormino didn’t stand a chance. 

 The arguable beginning of the end for Ms. Mormino’s all-too-brief reign of terror was the moment I asked for a calculator; mine was broken. Mormino asserted that I could only borrow a calculator if I loaned her something of mine; at that moment, the girl next to me chimed in, saying she, too, needed a calculator. “I have a folder I can give you,” I offered. “I have a highlighter,” added the other girl. 

 At that moment, a puberty-creaking voice from the back of the room piped up. 

Max. 

We all know certain people have certain gifts. Michelangelo saw angels in every block of marble and devoted his life to setting them free; Einstein had a mind which saw the potential of the entire universe; F. Scott Fitzgerald wove intricate tales of decadence and depravity. Max, however, had a different kind of gift: he could make anything—anything at all—into a “that’s what she said” joke. More on that later, though. 

Max pried off a Nike sneaker and held it proudly in the air, like a coveted trophy. 

"I have a shoe." 

Tottering in one-shoe-one-sock, Max dumped the sneaker on Ms. Mormino’s desk, retrieved a calculator, then tottered back to his own desk, a sort of smirk playing on his face. And, as to be expected—the rest of us quickly followed suit. 

 A small pile of shoes on her desk, Ms. Mormino grit her teeth and glared at us as we all sat back down, quietly victorious, a calculator in each of our hands. It wasn’t long, however, until we all began to silently plot our next act of minor mayhem. 

"Can I go to the bathroom?" asked Tyler, who, despite being in seventh grade, was approaching his sixteenth birthday. In a combination of verism and admiration of Tyler’s devil-may-care boldness, we unequivocally accepted him as our leader. For reasons unknown, Ms. Mormino denied his request. Tyler, much like his Fight Club namesake, heeded no rules but his own and left anyway—Ms. Mormino, furious, locked the door behind him and smugly insisted that "administration will take care of him." 

Tyler, however, was not one to be caught, and stayed close by, appearing in the window of the door whenever Ms. Mormino wasn’t looking. Waving, smiling, laughing, making faces and obscene gestures, Tyler had us all in stitches, but cleverly avoided Ms. Mormino’s sight—when she asked us what was so funny, we all refused to give Tyler away. 

A girl asked to go to the bathroom, stating she “really really really” needed to go. Ms. Mormino, again, denied her request. Ms. Mormino, however, seemed to be uninformed about the side door—leading right outside, always locked from the outside but always open from the inside. 

"Well, I’ll go myself," the girl responded, and took off, hurdling three desks and darting out the door. Right behind her, two other students took off, pursuing freedom. The door slammed behind all three students, and they were gone. 

 Six of us were left. Among us, importantly, was Chris. 

Chris was thirteen, but looked half his age; scrawny, wiry, he probably measured in at about four-foot-three, but no taller. “Late Bloomer” are words that come to mind. 

Despite his diminutive size, Chris possessed the gall of someone like Tyler.

"I have to use the bathroom," said Chris, standing. 

 ”Do you think I’m going to allow you to go to the bathroom?” snapped Ms. Mormino. 

 ”It’s an emergency!” Chris pleaded. 

"Sit down," Ms. Mormino growled. 

Meanwhile, the entire class borders on hysteria. We have tears in our eyes, almost suffocating from choking back laughter. 

"It’s an emergency," repeated Chris, but it sounded more like a warning.

"Sit."

Silence. Silence, Silence and more silence, until we all began to notice a dark stain on Chris’s khakis. The stain grew. And grew. And grew.

 Fists at his sides, stoicism in his face, and a cold, proud, triumphant glint in his eye, Chris locked eye contact with Ms. Mormino. 

And pissed right in his pants. 

The entire class erupted into a laugh only comparable to the detonation of a bomb. 

We laughed so hard for the next five, ten, fifteen minutes straight that Ms. Mormino gave up. Surrendering, putting her head on her desk, she waited until the hysteria finally subsided. 

Finally looking up, defeated, pathetic, Ms. Mormino glared at us all and wailed: 

 ”This is too much, this is too hard, too hard, Jesus Christ, this is too much for me!” 

 A lone voice sounded from the back of the room. Guess whose it was.

"That’s what she said."

Ms. Mormino officially retired from teaching that afternoon.

mysticmoonhigh:

FUCKING READ IT IT’S WORTH IT

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

camwyn:

the-big-phan-theory:

xace-oflight:

togetherwecanrecover:

sammneiland:


mybuttisaurus:


i-justreally-like-cats-okay:



Calming CAT!



oh my god it is calming


i think we could all use some calming cat right about now.


He’s back! Welcome back, calming cat. You are always welcome here.

Everyone should know of calming cat.

this is the thing that you have to tag because you’ll have to wait 8264589672 years to find it again

In case you need it.

Calming cat really is just so nice and so calming
When I am sad or stressed calming cat helps me smile <3

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

camwyn:

the-big-phan-theory:

xace-oflight:

togetherwecanrecover:

sammneiland:

mybuttisaurus:

i-justreally-like-cats-okay:

Calming CAT!

oh my god it is calming

i think we could all use some calming cat right about now.

He’s back! Welcome back, calming cat. You are always welcome here.

Everyone should know of calming cat.

this is the thing that you have to tag because you’ll have to wait 8264589672 years to find it again

In case you need it.

Calming cat really is just so nice and so calming

When I am sad or stressed calming cat helps me smile <3

Plays: 3661459

the-leader-in-red:

johncougar:

weirdvvolf:

papauera:

lofticri3s:

image

This was recorded by the Portsmouth Sinfonia in an experiment where all the members of the orchestra would swap instruments with each other and attempt to play them to the best of their ability.

favorite things about this

  • literally all the brass starts to get the hang of it and then the crescendos happen and everyone is like FUCK FUCK FUCK??? FUCK. JUST. BLOW RLY HARD.
  • the strings are lazy but also the same. like u can tell a lot of the ppl w/ the stringed instruments may already basically know how to play stringed instruments. like there’s definitely a section at the beginning where you hear a good portion going “oh yeah this is like. a smaller/bigger version of what i do.”
  • all you hear of any woodwinds is just “pffffttt??? pFFFTTTT???? PFFFFFTTTT I SAID PFFFFTTTT!!!!!” bc woodwinds are fucking HARD and you hear after like the first crescendo half of them just give up. they give up. they’re done. fuck this it tastes weird and my lips hurt.
  • that trumpet. that person is fucking TRYING man they fucking GOT this. they may not have figured out notes but they figured out LOUD and they GOT this.

I JUST DIED

I SEARCHED THIS POST FOR AGES OH MY GOD

seaworld-secrets:

passion4killerwhales:

animalsnatureveganism:

TIGERS ARE ON RED ALERTThe Sumatran Tiger is said to be extinct by 2015, with fewer than 300-400 left in the wild due to large-scale habitat loss, poaching, hunting and human-tiger conflict. Other subspecies are said to follow. DonateStop the Tiger PoachersSave Tigers NowProtect Tigers from Poachers and Help Stop War on Wildlife Donate to Save Tigers Donate to Help Save the Tiger Make a Donation - Save China’s TigersDonate to Tiger Conservation Name a Wild Tiger WWF Tiger AppealTiger AppealSumatran Tiger ConservationBengal Tiger Conservation DonationsSave the Malayan Tiger Malayan Tiger Conservation Adopt a TigerTigers in Crisis - Adopt a Tiger Adopt Roque the Tiger Adopt a Tiger TodayAdopt a Wild Tiger from IndonesiaAdopt a Tiger - Zhorik Tiger Adoption - Save China’s Tigers Adopt a Wild Tiger PetitionsStop Tiger Poaching in India Save the Tiger Save the Sumatran Tiger Save the Tigers Save the Indian Tiger Save the Sumatran Tiger Stop Pushing Sumatran Tiger Toward ExtinctionSave the Sumatran Tigers from Extinction Protect Siberian Tiger Habitat Act Now to Save India’s Tiger Save the Sumatran Tiger Save the Tiger Stop Poaching Tigers Close Down China’s Tiger Farms Save the Siberian Tiger Prevent Siberian Tiger Extinction Save Endangered Siberian Tigers from Extinction Illegal Tiger Trade must End Preserve the Bengal Tiger of India Save the Malayan Tiger from Extinction Save Malayan Tiger by Stopping Logging Source: ttp://wwf.panda.org/what_we_do/endangered_species/tigers/about_tigers/sumatran_tiger/  

THIS IS NOT OK. :(

IMPORTANT SIGNAL BOOST PLEASE

seaworld-secrets:

passion4killerwhales:

animalsnatureveganism:

TIGERS ARE ON RED ALERT

The Sumatran Tiger is said to be extinct by 2015, with fewer than 300-400 left in the wild due to large-scale habitat loss, poaching, hunting and human-tiger conflict. Other subspecies are said to follow. 

Donate
Stop the Tiger Poachers
Save Tigers Now
Protect Tigers from Poachers and Help Stop War on Wildlife 
Donate to Save Tigers 
Donate to Help Save the Tiger 
Make a Donation - Save China’s Tigers
Donate to Tiger Conservation 
Name a Wild Tiger 
WWF Tiger Appeal
Tiger Appeal
Sumatran Tiger Conservation
Bengal Tiger Conservation Donations
Save the Malayan Tiger 
Malayan Tiger Conservation 

Adopt a Tiger
Tigers in Crisis - Adopt a Tiger 
Adopt Roque the Tiger 
Adopt a Tiger Today
Adopt a Wild Tiger from Indonesia
Adopt a Tiger - Zhorik 
Tiger Adoption - Save China’s Tigers 
Adopt a Wild Tiger 

Petitions
Stop Tiger Poaching in India 
Save the Tiger 
Save the Sumatran Tiger 
Save the Tigers 
Save the Indian Tiger 
Save the Sumatran Tiger 
Stop Pushing Sumatran Tiger Toward Extinction
Save the Sumatran Tigers from Extinction 
Protect Siberian Tiger Habitat 
Act Now to Save India’s Tiger 
Save the Sumatran Tiger 
Save the Tiger 
Stop Poaching Tigers 
Close Down China’s Tiger Farms 
Save the Siberian Tiger 
Prevent Siberian Tiger Extinction 
Save Endangered Siberian Tigers from Extinction 
Illegal Tiger Trade must End 
Preserve the Bengal Tiger of India 
Save the Malayan Tiger from Extinction 
Save Malayan Tiger by Stopping Logging 


Source: ttp://wwf.panda.org/what_we_do/endangered_species/tigers/about_tigers/sumatran_tiger/  

THIS IS NOT OK. :(

IMPORTANT SIGNAL BOOST PLEASE